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The Movie Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Arved for attention. It's just that we have such a huge appetite for it. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] on today's show, buzz sherwood's gonna do some renovations to his bush plane, I'm gonna show you some safety tips using a power drill, bill's gonna show you how to have your kayak and beat it, too, and edgar k.B. Montrose is gonna blow off a little steam. And now here he is, the biggest star of the great outdoors since godzilla, my uncle, red green! Thank you very much, and welcome to possum lodge, where men are men and harold is my nephew. [ metallic whirring ] hello, world. Bye, earth. Real exciting stuff this week. Apparently, possum lake is the site of a ufo invasion with space creatures landing right here. [ laughs ] no. That's just old man sedgwick in his underwear. No, harold. Stinky rented some boats to a couple of americans there, and, uh, he figures they're here to track the ufo space alien creatures coming into town. They said they were just fishing, but, hey, they didn't have any fishing equipment. Well, that's okay. Possum lake doesn't have any fish. Uncle red, okay, maybe they're not here to fish, but what would lead you to suspect the fact that they're chasing aliens? You guys have been watching too many episodes of the "x-files." no, harold. They had strange black luggage and cases with strange metal parts in it. Stinky said he's never seen anything like it, so he figures it must be an alien-life-form detector. Why would it have to be that? Because stinky's never seen an alien-life-form detector, either, so it kind of makes sense. What's the matter? Can't you understand simple logic, harold? Not that simple. Uncle red, it could be any number of things stinky hasn't seen before -- like a book, an opera, a bar of soap. [ laughs ] [ engine sputtering ] [ imitates engine whirring ] oh, how's it going? [ imitates engine whirring ] [ squeaking ] ♪ oh, they're weighing the fish at the fish weigh-in ♪ ♪ down at mercury creek ♪ ♪ first prize is a boat and 1,000 bucks ♪ ♪ for the biggest fish of the week ♪ ♪ I caught me a nice little sunfish ♪ ♪ it's gonna make me a winner ♪ ♪ not from the weight of the fish itself ♪ ♪ but from the ball bearings I fed it for dinner ♪ [ clacking ] all right, last night, you went to a party with your wife or your girlfriend or your female companion. Well, yeah, your significant mother, eh? Yeah. And today you're finding out that you did not have quite as good a time as you thought you did. This is because your partner did not appreciate you ignoring her totally, eh, or flirting with other women or doing that old party trick. You know that one you used to do where you'd, uh -- you'd play "god save the queen" by making them loud, wet sounds with various parts of your body? Amazing how many people don't appreciate live entertainment. Yeah. Anyway, you got yourself into a bit of a jam, and you need our help to get out of the situation. Whenever you can, blame the booze, eh? Absolutely. Yeah, oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Just say to your wife or your significant mother there that you were, uh, overserved, you know, and you just weren't acting yourself. Of course, now, if you don't drink, that's unfortunate, because it forces you to lie. You're gonna have to say, "well, I'm sorry. "I was upset about -- I don't know -- the death of a close friend" or something. Okay, but now, you know, she's gonna say, "who died?" and you're gonna be expected to come up with a name, eh? Well, just saying "old what's-his-name" probably not gonna cut it. No, no. What I like to do is I like to, uh, name a friend from the past that I really don't care if I ever see again. Yeah, yeah, that's good. Or you could take the tough route and just say, "hey, that's the way I am at parties, and that'll be the end of that." yeah, but that'll also be the end of you ever going to parties with her again or anywhere with her again or anywhere with anybody again. Yeah, all right. So, I guess -- I guess the best thing is just to see her side of it and stop acting like a wiener. Unless, of course, you're a heavy drinker, which, as we say, gets you off scotch-free, eh? [ metallic whirring ] well, with all this talk of aliens spying on us, I thought I'd take this week's "handyman corner" -- show you how you can build your very own telescope. Maybe you can do some spying on the aliens or scan the core of the center of the galaxy or check out the windows in the houses in your area. All right, now, for starters, you're gonna need a cement mixer, which, actually, you can get for free if you have after-hours access to your local construction site. First thing you want to do is, uh, to make the inside of the cement mixer a reflective surface. You can do that by, uh, putting a chrome plate in there or maybe lining her with tinfoil. But I recommend the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. Just get in there -- [ echoing ] get right in and stick her on the sides and up into the back and get all the corners and anything that -- where the light is gonna possibly hit that. All right, you just basically line the whole inside of her there. Now we come to the really hard part of the project. You have to eat some salad. Not because it's good for you, but because we need to use the bowl as our primary lens for the telescope. [ drill whirring ] now, the salad bowl lens there will catch all the light, fire it down inside the mixer, where it bounces around on the duct tape, and then it will come out this hole that I've drilled. Well, I'm glad that wasn't my drill bit. All right, now, to focus the light even more, you get one of these drain traps out of your kitchen sink and you take the elbows apart. And you want to put a little mirror in each elbow. Now, you're saying to yourself, "where am I gonna find a mirror that small?" how about right in front of your eyes? [ pop! ] stick that in, one in each elbow at a 45-degree angle facing each other, and then you mount the whole rig back into the hole that we made. [ sizzling ] I would wait till she cools down first. All right, you're all set to be the peeping tom of the universe. And the beauty of the cement-mixer rig is with all the gears and levers and the way she's mounted here, you can pretty much aim it at whatever it is you want to look at. You can tune in mars or saturn or even look up uranus. Wow, the milky way is all green and leafy. Wait a minute. Oh, for gosh sakes. Piece of dried salad on there. All right, let's try that again. [ spits ] [ zap! ] whoa! Sun is bright. Man. I'll tell you, though -- telescope works great. I can see a black hole... Everywhere. So, remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I'll tell you what -- this is more than a telescope. It's also a great fire starter. Stay tuned. Bill and I are gonna have a run-in out on possum lake, and harold is either excited about getting into the movies or into the washroom. Want to talk to any of you guys who've been married to the same woman for 20 years or more. I know what you're going through. Bernice and I are in our 28th year of controlled bliss. I know it takes a little extra to keep her going that long. You know, it seems that after about 20 years of marriage, uh, the marriage turns into kind of like a routine, sort of like being on a diet, losing a whole bunch of weight, then they put you on what they call a maintenance diet. Yeah, a lot of marriages turn into a maintenance diet, you know? You can have a little nibble every once in a while, but there's a general embargo on pigging out. Well, seems to me that this is all backwards, you know, 'cause when you're young and as good-looking as you're gonna get, you don't need anybody making a fuss over you at that time, 'cause you got lots of alternatives. You can get anybody you want. But when you've grown a little older, maybe put on a couple of hundred pounds or so... And your face looks like nolan ryan's glove, then you are pretty much out of alternatives. So, I say the longer you've been married, the more affectionate you should be with each other. Get off the maintenance diet and go nuts... But not on the dining room table -- at least not till the kids move out, all right? I'm pulling for you, 'cause we're all in this together. [ metallic whirring ] well, buster and stinky have been, uh, spying on these americans posing as fishermen, and they are definitely tracking ufo space aliens. And how do you know this? Did you talk to them, uncle red? Oh, harold, you don't talk to them. They'll just deny everything and then force you to swallow the cyanide capsules. I figure these guys are maybe with the cia or perhaps a special branch of the post office. Everything's very, very hush-hush, harold. Well, then, why don't all you guys just shut up about it? [ laughs ] nothing. I didn't -- what? I got proof here, harold. Look at this picture buster took. You tell me -- is that not an alien spacepad landing support right there? It's a tripod for a camera, uncle red. No, no. Look at that. That's an alien-life-form detector if I ever saw one. No, that's -- that's a movie camera. Well, how about this ufo radar unit? What's that, then? Movie light. Oh. Oh, I see. I see. Okay, all right. They're shooting film footage of the space aliens. I can't believe you guys. You let your imaginations run wild and you extrapolate nothing into something ridiculous. Two guys show up with a movie camera, and all of a sudden, they're like aliens and you're spreading rumors about ufos. Wa-a-a-a! Maybe they're just up here, you know, shooting a nature film, you know, or shooting shots for a tv commercial or scouting locations for some major hollywood production, some big-budget film that's gonna be shooting here at possum lodge in a couple of months, you know, some $50 million special-effects extravaganza based on a number-one best seller and has tom cruise and harrison ford and jamie lee curtis as my love interest and special sidekick. We're gonna be movie stars! You guys! [ film projector whirs ] here's one. How many forest rangers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. [ laughs ] if you had a light bulb, of course. [ laughs ] they still have light bulbs? [ engine puttering ] throughout the world, you will not find a small plane being as big a part of history as it is in the canadian north, and so, in a certain way, buzz sherwood here is part of a long aviation tradition. Oh, on a wing and a prayer -- that's me, red, especially if there's supposed to be two wings. [ laughs ] that's true. Yeah, you got to have a -- you got to have a love, got to feel the romance of flying, red. I mean, women love it. I suppose. Really? That's what they tell me. And, you know, you've got to be a risk taker, right? Because, you know, you get old and comfortable like you -- no, this is a game for the young kids, because us young kids -- we take all the risks. We know how to be self-reliant with what's at hand, you know? Like this. Look at this handiwork, huh? What is this thing -- a wind vane of some kind? No, it's a new propeller for my plane. Oh. See, I figure four paddles will give me more lift, 'cause I got a lot of deliveries to make, you know? I got to get all this stuff up to a couple of guys fishing, and there's two more miners up there. They're waiting for that box. And then what else do we got here? Look at this stuff. There's a mining company that wants that first-aid kit. I got some smoke jumpers, natural resources, a boy scout crew, and two people up in tuckahaw inlet. Do you know where tuckahaw inlet is? Uh, just this side of the inlet, I believe. Oh, well, there you go. And, uh, then those two guys up here filming -- they want some stuff. Oh, man, I'm gonna need eight paddles to get this stuff up. The two guys filming -- now, when you were flying in, did they say exactly what it is they're filming? No, no. They just spent the whole time talking into the air-sickness bag... [ imitating retching ] if you know what I mean. [ both laugh ] yeah, 'cause harold here thinks they're from hollywood. Hollywood? Really, harold? Far out. 'cause, you know, they might need, like, some stunt-flying shots, and those guys make a ton of dough when you do stunt flying. Whoa! I'm out of here. See you later, red. Now you see how it works, kids? If you want to be a bush pilot, all it takes is a little self-reliance, a love of romance. A pilot's license might be a nice touch. [ engine turns over ] uh, buzz, what about all the stuff on the sides? [ propeller whirs ] [ tires screech ] "wanted -- thingy you put on the end of a doohickey, "one of the old ones they don't make anymore "that has that whatsit on the main part. Contact occupant." I may have one of those. [ explosion ] red: Kind of a historical thing this week with the kayaking. Oh, there's bill. Oh! Oh! There's bill and his kayak, so I thought I'd just, uh, do the right thing and help him into the water. There you go. [ zip! ] [ zing! ] eh, he's all right. All right, now, the thing with a kayak is they're a very historical vessel. Long before the white man, you know, there was the inuit and the eskimos, whatever it is, and they had the kayaks. And -- what's the matter, bill? Oh, I think he's got himself a little wedged in there. Hard to get into a kayak. I guess the inuit were a little slimmer than the bill-uit. Here we go. [ pop! ] and, uh, oh, we got him in there. Got to get the feet in there first. That's it. You leave the butt till later. And, uh, get the helmet. You want the helmet on there, bill? Bill. Whoa! Bill needs two helmets, one to be wearing while he's getting the other helmet. And now he's off on his way. See the paddle? Got the double end. That's a very unique design. Works well to clear things out of the way. And out he goes out into the water. Now, the thing with a kayak is it's very, very maneuverable. Look at this. Look at -- it's like a helicopter on water. Look, he can back up there and he can just -- he can turn on a dime. And you know the other thing they do? They do what they call the eskimo roll, where they -- yeah, they -- all right, that's half an eskimo roll, but look at the maneuverability. Look at how he can steer it and paddle it, even like I'm -- I'm not sure they can -- [ gurgling ] not sure -- look at him. Look at that. And bill looks he would be good at things, you know? And then -- wait. Now, this doesn't -- this doesn't look -- no, this doesn't -- I think -- well, it's starting to dawn on me that bill may be having a little difficulty, so I fire up the, uh, big inboard. Boy, she sounds rough. And out we go to get him. You know what? The kayak's got the low profile there, and the boat sits up high in the water. You can't always see them, unfortunately. Oh, oh, oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. [ birds chirping ] bill? Bill? Oh, he's all right. Turned his kayak into a four-wheel-drive -- very impressive. Stay tuned as harold re-enacts the gunfight at hokey corral and ranger gord shows us the quick way to get down from the tower. [ whip! Whip! Whip! ] [ honk! ] [ whip! ] [ whip! ] [ rapid gunshots ] bad news, harold. They're not shooting "lonesome dork." no? Aw! Oh, well, okay. Well, personally, you know, I'm hoping they're doing a comedy, you know? 'cause I'd love to be in a teenage sex farce. Wa-a-a-a! Harold, you are a teenage sex farce. Old man sedgwick's hoping it's gonna be a sci-fi, so he's running around telling everybody that he's an okie from kenoki. Uncle red, I think he means obi-wan kenobi. Yeah, he keeps saying, "luke, feel the fork." and he -- he tries to get you to fight him with a roll of life savers. That's lightsaber. In the movie "star wars," they use the lightsabers. [ imitates lightsaber buzzing ] what is -- what is with everybody? We already have a television show. Why would we want to be in the movies? Well, uncle red, movies are way more better than television. Look at all the classic films that have just been released lately, okay? Like "beverly hillbillies," "addams family," "flintstones," "star trek." harold, those are television shows. Okay, right, yes. Next thing you know, they're gonna do a feature film out of "wheel of fortune." it'll be pat sajak and sissy spacek in "a vowel runs through it." [ bear growls ] here we are up at fire tower 13, 50 miles from the nearest person, 100 miles from town, completely isolated, cut off from everything. Mr. Isolation himself, ranger gord. Hi, folks. That's him. Cut off and isolated, are you not, up here, ranger gord? Oh, absolutely. No way to get word in or out. No. By the way, I hear there's a movie crew over at possum lodge. I hope they're doing a comedy, 'cause I love slapstick. [ laughs ] well, how did you hear about that when you're cut off and isolated? Oh, well, uh, harold told me when we were waiting for mr. Huff and puff to climb the stairs. Right, harold? Yeah, all right. Well, tell our viewers, ranger gord -- what do you do up here when you need a medical professional of some kind? Well, usually, I just go talk to a special big rock I know. Best psychiatrist I ever had. Strictly jungian, by the way. No, no, no. I'm talking a medical emergency, you know, like injuries. Like, where do you keep your first-aid kit? Oh, it's at the bottom of the stairs. Well, what if you have an accident up here in this area? Oh, I never do, red. Only one kind of medical emergency happens at my tower, and I have everything I need right there. Let me show you. No, no, wait, wait, wait. What is the one kind of emergency? Oh, well, sometimes I don't look where I'm going and I'll trip and I'll fall! [ thudding ] ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! [ thudding stops ] [ groans ] he's all right. Whoa-oa-oa! [ thudding resumes ] ow! Oh! Ow, ow, ow! Well, maybe not. [ thudding continues ] ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Well... Where the heck is... [ thudding continues ] oh, boy. Oh, for gosh sakes. Yeah, you see, red, I -- I have everything I need right over there -- splints and ice packs and stuff -- stuff like that, you know? You okay, gord? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love slapstick. [ buzzing ] okay. This week on "the experts" portion of the show, joining my uncle red is mr. Edgar k.B. Montrose. Okay. Here goes a letter, and it's from helen in helena, montana. [ laughs ] helen of helena. [ laughs ] isn't that -- that's cool, eh? Because -- all righty, I'll just read. Um..."dear experts, I'm driving a 6-year-old car "which is needing more and more repairs, "but I'm sure all the local mechanics are cheating me "because I'm a woman. How can I get fair service?" uh, okay, just get your husband to take it into the shop. That'll fix that. Well, now, if this helena's from helen, and it sounds like she is... Yeah. ...You know, that -- that's not solving her problem, red. Uh, well, what I recommend is something I call "four on the floor and one in the tank." one what in the tank? Stick of dynamite. You put four sticks of dynamite on the floor and one stick of dynamite in the tank and...Kaboom! [ clattering ] no more expensive car repairs. Excuse me, but I think blowing up cars is kind of missing the point. This woman just wants to be treated fairly. All right, just go on into the shop there and tell them that your husband is the government inspector who gives the auto mechanics license and the service stations inspections and all kind of stuff and tell them that he's the one that wants the car fixed. You wouldn't believe the service I get in restaurants when I pretend I'm the health inspector. Well, no, you -- you just don't get it, red. What the woman wants is to be able to walk into any gas station, look the mechanic right square in the eye, explain the problem, and get treated fairly. Exactly. You are so sensitive, mr. Montrose. Now, okay. Now, I've got another plan, what I call "four in the pockets and one taped to your head." now, believe me -- nobody gets better service or more respect than a human bomb. [ clattering ] well, we got the mystery about the movie, and it's not a movie mystery. We've got her all straightened out. [ cabaret music plays ] ha ha ha! Hello, tiffany. Don't even laugh. I just heard that the film crews here -- they're gonna film a remake of "some like it hot." that's the comedy where the two guys get dressed up, and then one of them did get to sleep with marilyn monroe. [ shudders ] that's being played by demi moore. And I heard this rumor comes straight from the top. Yeah, it does, harold. I started it. What? No, no, no, no, no. [ chuckles ] no. Because it's called "some like it hot," so -- yeah, it's called "some like it hot." it's a documentary on global warming. This is totally embarrassing, then. You should see old man sedgwick in that pink chiffon number. He looks like a cocktail prune. Turns out the guys looking at the aliens were actually doing an environmental picture on a total environmental collapse up here. Well, that means they're gonna shut down possum lodge. No, it's okay. I blamed all the pollution on big business. They love that. That really is your color, you know, harold. [ screeching ] oh. There's the possum call. I can't wait to get to the meeting and see the rest of the rockettes. I'm gonna change first. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I won't be wearing women's clothing, so please don't confuse me with your sister. And to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching. On behalf of myself and whatever we call that and the whole rest of the gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] quando omni flunkus, moritati. Might as well sit down, I guess. Okay, guys, come on out now. To find out more about possum lodge merchandise, call 1-800-ypossum or check out harold's home page on the internet, www.Redgreen.Com.